Have you heard the phrase “crab bucket”? I came across it in the Terry Pratchett novel “Unseen Academicals”, which centres around the fortunes of three football fans who work in the kitchens of a university. It struck me as such a recognisable phenomenon, and indeed it is a widely known idea – the “crab mentality”.

The basis of it is that, apparently, if you put a load of crabs in a bucket (ready to cook them if you’ve collected them at the beach) you do not need to put a lid on the bucket. The crabs will not escape. Why not? Because if any crab tries to climb out of the bucket, the other crabs will grab onto it and pull it back down. The crabs keep themselves in captivity, they do not need anyone else to stop them from climbing to freedom.

Sound familiar? At many times of our lives we can find ourselves living in a crab bucket. Perhaps members of our family tend to think of themselves as not able to do certain things, or not deserving of certain things, and they try to imbue us with the same beliefs. Perhaps our friends are all at a certain stage of life or in certain circumstances and they are happy as long as we don’t want to do things differently. Perhaps our community is structured in a way to keep us small.

How can you spot crab bucket mentality? I would say that these are some tell-tale phrases:

• No one likes their job though do they?
• Yeah, but all men are like that
• I don’t understand why you would want to do that
• That’s not for the likes of us
• That’s just what marriage is like though isn’t it?
• Ooh, you are brave to do that

Often this whole mentality is rooted in the fear of not belonging, and the fear of having to change. If you are part of a group of people who all have similar problems, it can feel cosy and safe to complain about them together, and even though the problems remain at least you all feel as though you “belong”. When a member of the group tries to move forward to a solution, that can give the others a fear that perhaps the group will break up and they will get left behind. You may have heard the phrase “misery loves company”? That.

The fear of having to change is a big one that drives crab bucket mentality. If, for instance, not “all marriages” are unhappy then the people who imagine they are will have to confront the fact that they are unhappy and that is not the norm. They likely feel terrified of the choices they would have to make and the things they would have to face in order to change their situation, so they choose, often unconsciously, to persuade others that a miserable marriage is normal. That way nobody needs to change and everyone belongs together in their dissatisfaction.

This is rarely a malicious situation. As I say, it is all born out of fear and most of it is done unconsciously. It is so important to be able to recognise it though, because when you see it for what it is, you can make your own choices. You can choose to belong to a different group of people, or to counter-balance the crabs by spending time with people who build you up and cheer you on.

If you find anyone hanging on to your leg, trying to pull you down, think about how you can put in place boundaries with that person. Sometimes with love, sometimes with a firm hand, depending upon the relationship. They may never climb up, and that means you may well leave them behind as they fear. That is their choice. Your choice is whether you want to see over the lip of the bucket to the big wide world beyond.

Coz I tell you what, there’s a whole lot more of life to enjoy outside of the bucket.

Helen Calvert
Coach and Director of Clear Day
July 2021

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